Trainyard

355 words. A rookie artist goes to the local trainyard to add their graffiti to the collection

Every step I took left a crunch as I passed over rocks and leaves. The sounds of my footsteps were accompanied by the sounds of birds singing in the distance. Overhead and on a bridge, I could hear cars driving by occasionally.

Around me were painted trains. By that, I mean trains and train cars that had been painted on. There were covered in graffiti. No one had driven these trains in years, so the art just kept accumulating. It took me a few minutes, but I eventually did find an empty spot on the side of a car. The train itself was a dingy red color, and its paint was chipping away in spots. It was exactly what I wanted.

I dropped my pack onto the ground next me. I kneeled down and started going through it. I took a few cans of spray paint out of the bag and put them down. After I had the colors that I wanted, I stood up and dusted my hands off on my pants. I picked up a black can, shook it up, and sprayed it onto the train car.

After a while, a dark black oval sat on top of the rusty red. I tossed the black can onto the ground, and reached down to grab a different color.

I might’ve been there for hours, just spray painting this train. I had emptied at least two of the cans that I had brought, including the black one I used for the background. After I was done making my art, I slid backward and admired my work. It was better than I had ever imagined putting onto a train car.

I took the remaining paint cans, the ones that weren’t empty, and put them back into my bag. I had left my mark in the trainyard, and that’s all I had wanted to do.

As I left, I could still admire the art around me. I know that graffiti is supposed to be a crime, but how can anyone hate something so wonderful?

Let’s Not

726 words. This camp is not going super well

“Great view from down there, huh?”

“Yeah,” I replied. I was laying on the ground, taking photos of the party lights that shone on some trees.

Whoever said that walked away, and I took a few more photos. More than anything, I didn’t want to be here right now. Yet, I had to be. It was a scholarship required event. So here I was, laying on the ground, taking photos of lights on leaves.

I could hear the music and shouts of excitement coming from the crowd less than 20 feet to my right. I sighed.

I haven’t really felt much connection or want to connect with any of these people. The closest I had to a heartfelt moment was a really awful conversation that went like this:

“I really want to get into law, because I love politics,” he said.

“You love politics?” I asked.

“Yeah. They’re great.”

I sighed. “I mean, politics themselves aren’t great. By the standards of ‘politics,’ I have to debate my own existence with more people than I care to think about.”

“What do you mean you have to debate you’re existence?”

“I’m trans.”

“Oh. So does this mean you want to be a girl, or were you a girl before?” He seemed earnestly interested enough, so I figured I’d tell them the truth

“Neither. I’m nonbinary.”

“I see. So do you have a, you know? Or the other thing?”

I groaned loudly. “Oh my god. This is exactly what I was talking about.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Let’s change the subject.”

“Sure.”

He smiled. “So I’m registered to vote Democrat. They want to expand trans rights. That’s good, right?”

“Mm. I mean, it would be nice, if it would ever happen. But Democrats are so obsessed with trying to appeal to a middle ground that they keep ceding power to Republicans.”

He seemed to be listening to me. I was a bit hopeful I could change his mind.

“Okay. So are you saying Republicans and Democrats are the same?” He asked.

“More or less. If they weren’t so similar, blue states would be drastically different from red ones. But do you ever really notice a difference between California and Oregon to the north?”

“Okay Republicans and Democrats are not the same. Have you seen the things Trump says? He’s so different from Democrats!” He sounded upset.

“Sure they are. Whatever. I’ve gotta go to the restroom.”

“Okay, man, see you later,” he said.

I winced. Man. I’m not a man. I had explained that.

The party seemed to have gotten larger while I was lost in thought. They were only fifteen feet away now. The cheers had certainly gotten louder.

I got up and walked away. It was dark enough that they wouldn’t notice.

So, I wandered. Not enough to get lost, but enough to be away. That was all I really wanted, so I was going to take it.

I walked away, to a small clearing with just a couple of trees. I sat down next to one and simply stared away.

In my pleasant fantasies, someone would approach me to have a conversation. But, seeing as how this wasn’t a fantasy, I couldn’t have that. To be fair, I looked like I wanted to be alone in the first place.

Lights and voices started to approach. They were people, likely trying to go to the bathroom. I sat in place, making no motion or sound. They walked past, oblivious to the fact that the only thing between them seeing me was a tree and my own low posture. I was hiding in plain sight.

I looked up, and hoped to see some stars. I didn’t. There was too much smoke in the sky from all the forest fires. In fact, earlier today, the sun was red from the smoke’s cover. Curling my head around the tree, so was the moon.

“I shouldn’t be breathing comfortably right now. This is really bad.”

I sighed. There was so little I could do to change anything right now. I couldn’t leave, I didn’t want to dance, the music was too close to the tents for me to sleep, I couldn’t stop the forest fires from happening, and I can’t vote my way into change.

The only thing I really could do was sit in silence, and continue to think about things.

Shopping

1688 words. A couple goes shopping, and things begin to go horribly, horribly wrong

I stood outside of our house, waiting for my husband. He always took a while to actually get out of the house once I tell him ‘I’m ready.’ He’s the kind of guy who thinks he can get ready in a couple minutes, so he puts it off until he’s either late or almost late. Either way, it gave me the chance to smoke before we went grocery shopping.

It was only early afternoon, but the evening fog had set in early today. I could only see about 40 feet away from myself in any direction, but it’d be enough. The grocery store wasn’t too far away.

“Alright, let’s go,” Brett said, walking down our porch stairs to our car.

“Wow, I only smoked half a cigarette this time,” I replied, laughing.

Brett scowled. “You really should quit smoking.”

“I know, I know. I’m working on it. No need to remind me.” I kneeled down rubbed the cigarette out on the ground

“I’ll stop reminding you once you have completely quit,” He replied.

“Not even a rare social smoke?” I asked as I put the cigarette away.

“Not even that.”

Either way,I got into the driver’s seat and drove us to the closest superstore. Really, it was just a Walmart, but I hated admitting I shopped at Walmart.

“You’ve got a list, right sweetheart?” I asked.

“Of course I do, Arthur. Why wouldn’t I?” He replied.

I laughed. “Ah, well, I just like double checking. You know how I am.”

“I know, sweetie. It’s probably a good thing you’re so insistent on keeping me up on things.”

“You’re welcome,” I replied, smugly.

“Oh, I see how it is, Mr. Marlboro,” Arthur laughed.

“Okay, fine. Thanks for pushing me to better myself too.”

“I can live without a shopping list,” he said, “but you aren’t living if you’re missing a lung.”

“I know, I know,” I wave him off. “Gee, you’re worse than my mom.”

“I feel like your mom,” he started to laugh, “Old and crotchety!”

We both laughed, and let the quiet hang in the air afterwards. It was nice.

“Fog’s out early today, huh,” I mentioned.

“We’re probably in the thick of it right now. It should pass in a few days.”

“I hope you’re right. It’s pretty dreary, and we have to drive at 20 miles-per-hour everywhere we go.”

“It could be worse. We could just be not shopping at all.”

“Oh, you know that isn’t really an option. We should have just gone last week,” I piped in.

“Oh well,” he said. He pulled down the sun blocker, so that he could look at himself in the mirror.

Within a few more moments, we arrived at the superstore. We both found a parking spot near the back of the lot– so that we wouldn’t lose our car among other cars– and walked toward the store.

Once we entered, I was relieved to see my breaths stop leaving a huge cloud of steam everywhere I went. I grabbed a shopping cart, and caught up with Arthur. “Alright, where to first?”

“We should left and get cereal first,” he told me.

“The freezer section is closer, though,” I replied.

“We’ll get frozen goods on the way back,” he said.

I started walking toward the dry foods anyway. “You know, this isn’t summertime down in Georgia anymore, Arthy-dear.”

“I lived in Wyoming. Georgia is nowhere near Wyoming.”

“Eh, they’re both just as conservative to me,” I chuckled.

“S’why I left,” Arthur replied. We reached the cereal aisle, and he grabbed some off-brand cheerios. I grabbed a box of Cookie Crisp, and we put them into the cart.

“I can’t believe you can still stand eating that stuff,” Arthur chided me.

“Come on! It’s like desserts, but in the morning! That’s awesome!”

“Whatever, you can have your kid’s cereal,” he said, waving his hand farewell to me as he walked forward.

I followed him. “I will have my children’s breakfast item, thank you very much,” I said.

The rest of our shopping went rather similarly, with Arthur grabbing foods you actually have to cook, while I grabbed pizza rolls and burritos.

At check-out, I ribbed into him a little bit. “I know you have to be incredibly jealous of how I live?”

“And how is that?” He demanded.

“Oh, allI have to do is go to work for a few hours every week, and then I get to come home to a lovely hubby who cooks all my meals for me while I just laze around the house,” I bragged.

“Oh yeah? Well, I can’t help but wonder who enables your lifestyle,” He said, with dignity.

“You know who that is,” I said through a smile. I grabbed him from behind and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

The counter girl laughed. “Get a room, you two.”

I gasped. “Is not a superstore just one giant room?”

She laughed, along with Arthur.

“Your total will be $127.34,” she told us.

I took out my wallet, paid, and we left the store with groceries in tow. The moment we walked out of the door, though, it was incredibly apparent that things weren’t right.

“Where are the cars?”I asked.

“I have got no idea. Did we come through the wrong doors?”

“Even if we did, there should still be cars on the opposite side. What the hell?”

I left the cart on the sidewalk, and I stepped toward the parking lot.

“Maybe-”

I jumped. “Jesus, I didn’t know you followed me, Arthur. Warn me next time.

“Sorry,” he said.” “Was there was some emergency alert you and I missed?”

“I doubt it. Our phones would have been buzzing and going haywire and shit.”

“Um,” Arthur mumbled. “Hell. I don’t know.”

“Let’s just see if we can find our car, alright?” I reassured Arthur. At least, I thought I was. I didn’t really know how scared Arthur was.

“I was about to suggest that myself.”

The two of us continued to walk into the parking lot. Of course,since we parked so far away from the the store, we lost sight of it due to the fog. Scouring the parking lot yielded no car.

“This is either terrifying or a really good prank.” I reached into my pockets to make sure I still that the keys. I felt them, and pulled them out.

“What do you make of this?” I asked.

Arthur shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe you’re just dreaming. Pinch yourself.”

“Real nice of dream-you to tell me the secret of the dream, don’t you think.” I sighed.

“Maybe we should just head back to the store,” he suggested.

“Sure. Let’s just do that.”

The two of us walked back toward the store.

“Hey, we forgot to grab our cart,” I mentioned.

“I left it on purpose. Not much use dragging a cart around when we don’t even have a car,” he reasoned.

“Yeah, okay, that’s fair,” I said.

I stopped walking. “Does it seem weird to you that we haven’t seen the building yet?” I asked. “Like, we went the right way. All I see is more parking lot all around.”

“I didn’t want to say anything,” Arthur admitted.

“Hell,” I said. “What do we do now?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “Like, this is some kind of bullshit you see happening in one of your b-films.”

“Or one of your video games,” I said.

“Yeah, but in the video game you find a way out. There are usually clues or something,” he said.

“Nothing out here but unlit street lamps. It’s still daylight out.”

We both stood still, without saying a word for a few moments. That was when the alarm sounded.

Arthur and I refused to make a sound, instead opting to look about wildly for the source of the sound. It sounded like it was coming from everywhere and nowhere at once. It hurt my head to think about it.

I grabbed the sides of my head in recoil, trying to block out the sound. It didn’t work.

Then, almost as suddenly as it began, it stopped. It was just over.

I looked up at Arthur. My head was throbbing from the sudden end of the alarms.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

Arthur said nothing, but he pointed past and behind me. I craned my head back to see what he was pointing at.

There were silhouettes in the fog shambling toward us. There were dozens of them.

“Holy shit,” I whispered.

“So you see them too. That’s- that’s good,” Arthur said.

I squinted to try and see them a bit better. “Oh fuck, I think those things have holes instead of faces.”

“Don’t you try telling me those are the goddamned pirori!” Arthur shouted

“I don’t know what the hell that means,” I said, “But you can look for yourself.”

Arthur squinted at the figures, much like I had, and gasped. “Okay, what the hell are we still doing here, Brett?”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “We already tried to leave.” I was desperately trying to stay calm, but I wasn’t sure how long my bravado would last me.

“No, I mean right now!” Arthur grabbed my hand, and started to run away from the figures emerging from the mist. Not really able to choose, I kept up with him.

Despite our clear goal being to get as far away from the figures as we could, I couldn’t help but look back at them. Which, of course, is when what was behind became even worse.

Standing far behind the now-miniscule figures was something huge. I looked vaguely like a giant human, but it’s stomach was facing upwards, and it’s back was arched back terribly. It’s limbs didn’t look quite right either, with more than one joint bending in each one, suspending it. I saw its mouth open before it receded into the fog and out of my vision again.

“Arthur, run faster!”

There was a curdling scream. Unlike the alarm, it clearly came from one direction.

Arthur took my advice after hearing that. I only wish he hadn’t looked back.

Count Them

A poem recounting a lifetime of body shaming

Pool day

Shirt off

Trunks on

 

Cool water on hot skin

Laughter with everyone nearby

It’s fun, it’s fresh, it’s cool

 

One sentence cuts through the rest

“Go eat a sandwich. You’re like a twig.”

Laughter for all but one.

 

Doctor’s office

Appointment Day

One good health checkup

 

Vaccines are distributed

Heights are recorded

Weights are measured

 

One sentence stands out from the rest

“You’re underweight.”

I’m only eight. I don’t understand

 

A summer day with sprinklers

It’s time to head outside

and have fun in the sun

 

Dashing back and forth, laughing and shouting and cheering

We don’t do this often, so we’re just relishing the chance

Back and forth and back and forth we ran; a mesmerising dance

 

Sitting down to catch our breath, someone decides to speak

“Do you ever eat? You’re a skeleton!”

I don’t know how to respond. Of course I eat. Why wouldn’t I?

 

I’m with some friends at school recess

We do what we normally do

Walking and talking to waste time

 

The topics often vary from things we were doing in class

to things we were doing at home and with family

and sometimes we talked about more existential things

 

A silence falls for a second after one conversation topic ended

And in a panic to keep the conversation going, I say it:

“Check it out, you can totally count my ribs.”

What am I? Is this really something I can be?

526 words. A trans girl finally admits to her parents that she’s trans. But only by slipping a note under their door and then trying to run away from home

I dreaded the idea of this moment for months. Maybe even years. I couldn’t tell you.

Holding a small, sealed envelope close to my chest, I tiptoed down the hallway. It was 3 A.M. and I didn’t want to wake up my parents. But I desperately needed to tell them something. But I also didn’t want to wake them up. Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god.

I stopped and leaned against the wall, shaking. I clutched the letter even closer to me. I let a breath out, and it shook as it left my lungs. Maybe I just shouldn’t tell them anything. Maybe I should just go to bed and forget all about this.

I took a breath. I need to do this. I told myself I’d at least do this before I go.

I got off of the wall, and took another step toward the door. I can do this. I can.

In less time than I would have liked, I was staring at the door. All I would have to do is slide the envelope underneath the door, and then leave.

It felt like an eternity before I made my choice. I stared at the crack underneath the door for what could have been hours. I slowly crouched down. Still, the envelope was held near my chest. My hands clutched it closer to me the more I thought about sliding it underneath the door.

Shaking, I eventually forced my hands away from myself, and toward the small crack underneath the door. I slipped the envelope into the crack, and breathed. I had finally done it. This was it.

Panic immediately set back in. What if they’re angry? What if my parents secretly hate me for this? What will my sisters think? Oh god, they’ve had an older brother for so long, what the hell am I supposed to do?

Slowly, I stood up from the door. My hands weren’t shaking anymore. I walked back to my room, just as quietly as before. I opened my closet, pulled out a bag, and started to pack it. I was going to have to leave. Yup, no way around it.

Once the bag was full, I tossed it next to my door. I needed to figure out what might be important enough to take with me.First things first, I grabbed my phone and threw it into my pocket. I grabbed the charger it was connected to as well.

Next up, I made sure my wallet was in my pocket. It was. Lastly, I grabbed my journal. I mean, at least that way if I die, someone can know my story.

I went downstairs and walked out of the house, with no intention of looking back. I made the choice, and I knew it would have consequences. Maybe some consequences I wasn’t ready to face.

I think I had walked for somewhere around two hours before I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. It was probably just an early morning email or something. I pulled my phone out and looked at the notification.

Mom

We already know. Come home.

Train Ride

355 words. Two girls go home on a train after a long night at the club

Giggling, Devon and I got onto the late night train. Alone, I don’t think either of us could have walked, but we were fine with each other.

We stepped inside of the train, and sat down at a bench. The train car was basically empty.

“Dev, did you see that boy with the blue hair?” I asked, still stifling a small laugh.

“I’m a thousand percent sure he’s gay,” she replied.

“No way, he was totally hitting on me while he was there! He complimented my eyeliner!”

“That’s why I know he’s gay,” She said. We both laughed.

“What about the guy who kept buying you drinks?” I asked.

“Oh, him? He’s just a friend of mine. He knows what I like to drink.”

“You don’t think he wants to find out anything else you like?” I was covering my smirk with my hand as I said that.

“If he does, I’ll never find out,” she gave me a confident smile and laughed. Then, she suddenly looked very serious. “We talk about boys a lot, but we never pick one to stay,” she said.

I blinked at her a couple of times. “Well, we’re young, we can have fun whenever, right?”

“Yeah, but our fun is always just talking. We don’t ever stay with anyone.”

I shook my head and laughed a little bit. “We stay with each other. We’re roommates, you silly.”

“I know,” she said. She looked out one of the train windows. “Don’t you ever think about it, or why?”

I wasn’t sure what she meant, but I felt butterflies in my stomach anyway.

She continued. “We spend so much time together, you and me, and we go and party, and look at boys, and flirt with boys, but it’s still just us in the end.”

Then she whispered. I didn’t hear it.

“Say that again?” I said.

She moved closer to me, and whispered in my ear, “I think I love you.”

My stomach fluttered and I felt heat rise to my cheeks. Dev grasped me close to her and held on. I gripped her back. “Maybe I love you, too.”

Protest

1199 words. A part of the “Proxy” series of stories, a series of stories about clones and their lives

Sitting in my car, I could still hear the shouting of the crowd from at least a couple hundred feet away. I was scared out of my mind, but this was my only shot, and I had to follow through. I grabbed a bandana from the passenger seat and slid it over my face. I tightened it behind my head, and adjusted my nose so it sat on it properly. I sighed a hefty sigh, and touched the scars on my neck. If I wasn’t going to go now, I wasn’t going to go ever.

I pushed the car door open and stepped out. The noise increased drastically. I could hear chants of “unnatural” among other things. I’ve committed to this. I’m doing this. I’m not backing out.

I stepped toward the sound of the crowd. It was a short walk before I actually arrived there, and once I did the noise was practically unbearable. I should have brought ear plugs or something, I swear.

I stood and stared at the edge of the crowd for a long while. They shouted and waved signs that they held above their heads. I’ve committed. I’m going to follow through. Let’s just try and walk past these guys. I can get through this, and life will be better afterward.

I took a deep breath, puffed out my chest, then marched into the crowd. I gently pushed past some people, muttering “excuses me” and “pardon me” and kept moving forward. Most people didn’t actually bother to stop me, which was surprising. This was going to be a lot easier than I thought.

As my confidence was bolstered, I started to move a bit more brashly. I would actively push people aside so that I could keep moving. I didn’t bother with the polite phrases, and just kept moving forward. I was so close, I could almost taste it. I could get my scars removed. I just needed to keep moving.

However, as I got closer to the center of the protest, people wouldn’t move for me as freely as they did before. I was suddenly faced with more people standing in my way and refusing to budge. I had to actually shove them aside to keep moving.

I put my hand onto the shoulder of one person, ready to pull him back and out of my way. He turned around to face me. “Hey, pal, what’s the big idea?” He asked.

“I’m moving past.”

“The fuck you are!” He shouted at me.

He shoved back. I felt myself fall backwards, and into another body. I heard that body grunt on impact, turn around, and push me again. This time, I was able to stop myself before falling into anyone else.

Despite gaining my balance, the first man stepped towards me a swung a first. I tried to block it with my arm, so he just punched that instead of my face. Suddenly, my forearm felt numb.

He followed up with another fist, and I barely slid aside from that one. It grazed the side of my head. Trying not to get punched again, I took my numb arm and swung it toward the side of the man’s head. It hit him squarely. He staggered back, and I tried to take the chance to get away.

“There’s a fucking toy trying to run past!” I heard his voice scream. I kept moving away, and he was separated from me by a couple of bodies at least.

I pulled my hood up over my head. I hoped that it would help me avoid being recognised by anyone else. Yet, even after getting away from the scene, somebody else grabbed my shoulder to stop me.

“Why are you covering your face?” I heard a rough woman say. “Got somethin’ to hide?” This couldn’t end well.

“I’m trying to just walk through. Please let me be.”

“I think you’re hiding something, boy. Take it off!” She demanded.

“I have a right to privacy!” I shouted back. I tried to move past her again. I shouldn’t have come. This was a bad idea.

She grabbed me by my abdomen. “You aren’t going anywhere.” She tore away the fabric on my face. I gasped. She moved her face near my neck.

“Looky here!” She said. I looked around. Others were standing near us. They were all looking at us. “We’ve got ourselves a goddamn doll!”

The crowd roared. They were furious.

“DOLL!”

“FAKE!”

“POPPY!”

“UNNATURAL!”

“BASTARD!”

“COPY!”

The woman was much stronger than I expected. Despite my attempt to struggle after having the bandana torn away, I couldn’t get away. I didn’t want to have to fight again. I didn’t think I had a choice.

She shoved me backward, and I was caught by other men standing in the circle. I was gripped tightly by the two of them and held in place.

“No,wait!” I shouted. It didn’t matter what I said; I was still punched in the face.

I was hit again, and again. My vision began to fade around the edges, and I could feel moisture on my face.

I was tossed to the ground, and people began to step on me, still shouting slurs and chanting “unnatural” at me. Everything was sore, but after a few more hits I just felt numb. I could hear cracks coming from myself, but they felt distant and unreal.

After some more of this, everyone walked away from me. I was still lying on the ground in the middle of a crowd, but no one was paying attention or bothering me.

I tried to reach my pocket, where my phone was. I couldn’t get myself to move my hands. They hurt when I tried. So I just lied there.

I wanted to get my scars removed for this exact reason. I was going to become a free man, because I wouldn’t be discriminated for being a clone.

Wait, what was the new term they came up with? Right, Biostruct. I was going to end my years of being perceived as a biostruct. No more time being called poppy, or doll, or anything like that. I was just going to be Lee, and that would be it.

I think I cried while I was lying there. I really couldn’t tell. It hurt to breath, so I couldn’t truly sob. I also couldn’t really tell if there were tears on my face.

As my vision got smaller and pools of blood widened in what little vision I had left, I gave up. I closed my eyes, and I gave up. The sound of the crowd screaming and shouting began to fade, and I could only hear my own thoughts. I only had a small circle of vision left, so I closed my eyes. At least, I hope I closed my eyes.

I wish I could have spoken one more time. I wanted my last words to be something profound. Although, I couldn’t think of anything really important to say.

Wait, I have something. I tried to whisper something, but I couldn’t get a sound out. I couldn’t even feel my body anymore. I had wanted to say I’m sorry for existing.

Good News

3983 words. A part of the “Proxy” series of stories, a series of stories about clones and their lives

I leaned back in my desk. I had finished the article. The story was going to get out, and maybe some people would finally stop being the absolute worst when it came down to it. The people I wrote about didn’t choose to be in the situation they were in. About a million pro-birthers had protested the people that I wrote about, despite those people making it very clear that there shouldn’t be anger and blame over the situation.

I decided to look over the first paragraph before I went to bed, just one more time.

On August 28th, and Ohio school teacher was incredibly surprised to find that she was staring at herself in her classroom. Maria Brunner, 31, recognised herself at the age of sixteen within her classroom. The student, Jane Moldam, wasn’t exactly sure why Brunner wanted to see her after class on only the first day of school. However, once Brunner explained the situation to Moldam, they both were in shock. Brunner had accidently been cloned, and nobody knew about it.

It was a simple paragraph, sure, but it told exactly the story I needed it to. After that paragraph was when I was able to bring some new information.

“I was kind of terrified,” Brunner admitted, “because I didn’t ever remember going to a cloning facility. At first I thought I was just seeing things, but it became very apparent that I wasn’t after only a few seconds. I knew I needed to look into this.” Brunner did exactly that, with the help of Moldam and her parents. The duo discovered that Brunner had gone to donate blood many years prior, and that the blood that was supposed to be used for testing had accidently been taken to the cloning branch of the donation clinic, which collected blood for both cloning and donating. The vials for testing and for cloning are essentially identical, and so it was incredibly plausible that two bottles could get mixed up.

However, you may be wondering how Moldam’s parents didn’t realise that their daughter hadn’t been cloned. “We knew after only a couple of months that Jane hadn’t been cloned properly,” Mrs. Moldam informed me. “A mother’s instinct, you could call it.” However, the couple decided to keep the clone anyway. They decided that the cloning law deeming it illegal to try and be rid of clones for any reason should apply here as well, even if baby Moldam was not the clone the were supposed to receive.

So what did Brunner do with this knowledge? Well, she did what any good teacher should do: she accepted her student for what she is, and continues to teach her despite the circumstance. “Everybody has the right to an education,” Brunner elaborated. “I will teach Jane and any other clones who come into my classroom, no matter what.”

“I had no idea, honestly,” Jane confessed. “My parents didn’t ever really tell me that I was cloned wrong. I knew that I was a clone, but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. It wasn’t until Miss Brunner showed me a photo of herself at sixteen that I became concerned. I had been bullied over being a clone before, and I didn’t want that to happen at a national level.”

I shook my head. I had already read over more than I had intended to. I needed to go to bed before I lost my mind again, nitpicking mistakes that don’t exist.

With that, I turned off the computer and stumbled away, into my bedroom and onto my bed. The article would release tomorrow, and hopefully people would decide to be a little more humane to clones.

***

I stepped into my grocery store, hoping I wouldn’t be confronted by anyone today. Usually, I’m not recognised by anyone as a writer, but some dick online decided that the world should know that I wrote the Brunner-Moldam article.

I crossed over to the baker section of the store. I was supposed to pick up a cake for my youngest sister’s birthday. She was turning 16, and she just wanted a small party with me, mom, and a couple of her friends. Mom put in me in charge of grabbing a cake.

“Hello, how may I help you?” One cook from behind the counter asked. Or is baker more accurate? I’ll go with clerk.

“Yeah, I need help picking out a cake for my sister. She’s going to be sixteen. She doesn’t want anything fancy,” I informed the clerk.

“Okay, got it. What kind of flavor would she like?” the clerk asked.

I thought for a moment. “Probably vanilla. And easy on the frosting, she’s not a huge fan of sugar.”

The clerk scribbled some notes, nodding. “Vanilla, light frosting. Yeah, I can do that. Anything you want written on the cake?”

“Um. Sure. Actually, no. I can’t think of anything good. If you can think of something witty, though, I’ll give you artistic liberty.” I shrugged at the clerk. I might be a writer, but this was different type of writing.

The clerk laughed anyway. “Yeah, sounds good to me. I’ll let you know if I do think of anything. I think this will ring in to about twenty-two dollars. Come over here, I’ll ring you up.” I did as the clerk said, and followed him over to a cash register.

Yet, as we walked by, I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation. “You fake bitch! You have absolutely no right to tell me no!” I looked toward the sound. There was some old man with a raggedy and grey beard harassing a young worker at the store. She was probably just a little over twenty.

“When I tell you to do something, you do it, poppy-bitch!” He said. I cringed when he called her poppy. “One second, clerk, I’ll pay in just a moment,” I told him without looking away from the creep and the girl.

“Let’s just head over to the bathroom, and we’ll-” he said before I pulled his shoulder and twisted him around, facing away from the girl.

“Hey fuckface. Maybe you should rethink.” I gently informed the man.

He laughed. “You fucking dolls think you have rights?” He spat in my face. “Get the fuck out of my face,” he finished.

I grabbed his neck with my other hand. I held two fingers on his neck, on spots where I have scars. “Alright, asshole, you have one chance to re-fucking-think.”

He shook his head, and then tried to headbutt me. I pinched his neck, and he stopped his motion, attempting to catch his breath. He reached his hand up to pull me away. I tightened my grip.

“I warned you. Rethink.” His arms scratched at my own arms, and he was getting more desperate. I looked to the girl. “You okay?”

She nodded in response. “Go get a manager or something,” I told her. She nodded again and hopped away.

I loosened my grip on the man’s neck, so that he could breath. “Don’t do anything dumb,” I told him. He gasped for air, and staggered backward.

“You dirty fucking copies don’t belong in this world. It’s not the way God intended.” The man leaned against the wall, and coughed again.

“Shut up. I’m going to have you dealt with, then I’m leaving,” I informed him.

“You aren’t going anywhere, you pansy-ass. I’m going to have you arrested for assaulting me.”

“Okay, sure. I have two witnesses that you’re lying, one is the girl you were harassing, and the other is the clerk and the stand.” This geezer was delusional if he thought I was going to get arrested, just for being a clone. That’s against the law.

“Oh, good, the manager has arrived. Finally.” I turned back to the old man, who was still wheezing.

“This man was harassing the girl who brought you over here. I stepped in to intervene, and he spit in my face. To keep him from potentially attacking me, I grabbed his neck and held him in place. I let him go once the girl left,” I informed the manager. “Police should be involved.”

“Okay, I’ll handle this, sir. You can leave this to me,” The manager smiled and waved me off. I didn’t trust him.

“I’ll leave once the police are called. This man was sexually harassing another person, and calling her by slurs. One of your employees, no less.”

“Of course, sir,” the manager said. “I’ll have this handled immediately. Please, just continue your shopping.”

“You aren’t going to take any action against this man. You have no plans on doing anything besides letting him go. You’re a real bastard, too,” I told the manager. He frowned when I said that.

“I’m sorry you feel that way but-”

“Shut the hell up. I have more important places to be.” With that, I walked away. I was going to find that girl and make sure she was okay.

“Hey,” I heard from behind me. I turned around, and the girl was catching up to me. “Thanks for helping me back there. I wish I had just called the police instead of getting that manager.”

“You’re fine,” I told her. “I didn’t think the manager would be clonemisic as well.” I started to walk again, and the girl followed beside me.

“So you’re a clone, too?” She asked.

“I am,” I replied. “But I would have helped you either way. That man was just being an asshole.”

“I should get a new job,” She said. “I’m sick of people treating me poorly around here.”

“This happens often?” I asked.

“Not that specific thing, but if I do something someone doesn’t like, they’re quick to call me a doll, or a poppy. Sometimes people just outright refuse to let me help them, when they see my scars. I’ve thought about getting them removed, but… I’m sure you’ve seen the news.”

“I have,” I replied. “I don’t get them removed for a different reasons. Being a clone is part of my identity, and I refuse to just let people walk all over that. I still managed to carve out a life, so I’m satisfied.”

“Good for you,” she said. “I only wish it was that easy for me.”

“It wasn’t easy for me, don’t get me wrong. When I was your age, I had to deal with the same shit. Hell, I have to deal with the shit anyway. It’ll get better, kid.” I was hoping that would inspire her or something.

“You’re right. It will get better, and it’ll start with this!” Suddenly, she took her apron off and threw it onto the ground. “Now I’ll go do something else. I have enough money to last me a few months, at least.”

“You’ve wanted to do that for a long time now, haven’t you?” I asked. I started to lead us to walking out of the store. I would buy the cake elsewhere.

“Maybe. I’m glad I did it, though.”

“So what now?” I asked.

“I’ll probably just search for a new job. One where I hopefully don’t have to interact with anymore clone-racists.” She shrugged, and kept walking with me. Shortly after, we stepped outside.

“It was nice talking to you, but I’ll have to go,” I told her.

“My name is Amanda,” she informed me.

“I’m Allen. Actually,” I fumbled around in my pockets, and found one of my small business cards, “Here’s my card. I’m a writer, for various sources. This might make for a good story one day.”

“Thanks, Allen. I’ll be going now, too. Stay safe,” Amanda said as she walked away from me.

I got into my car, and drove out of the parking lot. It was time to try a new store.

***

Cake in hand, I knocked on the door. My sister opened it. “Happy birthday, Sarah. I’ve got your cake,” I told her.

“Sweet, just bring it into the kitchen,” She replied. I did as such, and found Mom hanging around the kitchen too.

“Hey, Mom. What’s up?” I asked. She shrugged. “I was just waiting for you, honestly. Sarah is chatting with her friends. How did your article go?”

“I think it was a good article. It was published this morning. I haven’t looked at my feedback yet, though. The only thing I know is that some asshole doxxed me, so I was getting phone calls all morning.” I sat at the table, in a chair across from her.

“Excuse me, doxxed?” She asked.

“Someone found out my personal information and leaked it online. Phone number, email address, even my regular address. I should be getting a few letters in a couple of weeks. It’s a bother, but it should pass. It’s actually not the first time I’ve been doxxed.”

“You have to be kidding me,” She replied. “Someone leaked your home address and you aren’t worried?”

I shook my head. “Doxxers just try and use it as a scare tactic. No one is actually going to show up to my door, but I’ll have some angry folks trying to shout at me before that passes too.”

Mom sighed. “You worry me sick. What happens when someone does show up to your doorstep?”

“I’ll either call the police or beat them off of it. That’s the risk of being a high profile writer sometimes.”

“I can’t believe you’re just so calm about this. I would be losing my mind.”

“Then it’s probably a good thing you aren’t online very often. A lot of people get doxxed, even by fans who are just in way over their heads. It sucks, but you either get passed it or move houses.”

At that point, Sarah came into the kitchen. “I read your article,” She said.

“What did you think?” I asked.

“It was a good article. Honestly, though, I can kind of understand why people would be so terrified of that. Imagine, a second you walking around without you knowing,” She said.

“Well, Maria didn’t have to imagine that. She lived it. The point of the article is that you don’t need to be afraid of clones, because clones are still people. That idea of a copy of you running around is scary to them, too, because that means that they might be hated by someone else who they are a duplicate of.”

“Oh. Right. I must have missed the point.”

“Or my last paragraph,” I said, before laughing. Sarah laughed too.

“Well, it is a scary possibility. I don’t know. I know that you’re a clone, and that I’m not afraid of you, but so much of it just seems… I don’t know.”

I patted her shoulder. “It’s okay to ask those sort of questions. Being a clone is kind of a nightmare, especially since we’re rather uncommon.”

“Yeah, there’s only one biostruct for every one-thousand bionats. I learned that in my health course two years ago.”

“Well, it’s a pretty accurate fact. Kudos to that teacher.”

“He didn’t teach it. I read it in the book. He tried to brush past clones as quickly as possible.”

“Of course. I take back my kudos.”

“Either way. I think it was a good article. I’m going to go now,” My sister informed me.

***

At home that night, I was finally ready to see what people had been saying about that article. I booted up my computer, and typed in the title of the article.

The first thing that came up was my article, along with a few other news sites basically restating everything that I had stated. I changed up the search terms, and looked up “teacher student clone.”

Again, my article was at the top. Lucky me, people might actually be reading my article before any other articles and getting the facts there first. However, just below, were articles from sites that I knew to dread. They were alt-right sites denouncing my work as the work of some devil.

With wonderful titles such as “Cloned teacher discovers mistake student” to “Recent clone events make it very clear that cloning is unethical and needs to be stopped,” My article was being slammed by anyone who distrusted any aspect of cloning.

“I’m going to have to clear my history after this bullshit.”

I clicked an article, and glanced through it. It summarised the events of my article, cherry picked some quotes, then claimed that Jane was a blight upon the earth who didn’t need to exist, and that cloning should be stopped.

Worse yet was the comment section. Filled with bionats patting themselves on the back for hating clones, and all of them feeding each other terrible lies. They would tell each other that if they didn’t take back their basically everything, clones would replace all of them.

It was a rabbit hole, with dozens of sites either subtly denouncing clones, or very loudly denouncing clones. Even sites that usually have a liberal bias showed their reserve on the subject, essentially ignoring everything that Jane and Maria were saying!

I rubbed my temples. This was going to give me a headache.

I closed all of the browsers and leaned back in my chair. What was it going to take to get these folks to stop being clonemisic?

“I should just go to bed. I don’t know why I do this to myself all the time.”

As if out of wretched timing, my phone rang. It was probably someone calling to let me know that I’m the worst for writing an article sympathetic to clones. Either way, I picked up.

“Hello, Allen speaking.”

“Um, Hi. This is Amanda. The girl from the store a couple days ago? Sorry if I’m calling at a bad time, I just-”

“You’re fine,” I said. “Thanks for calling.”

“Okay, good. I wanted to tell you about my experiences as a clone. It might be helpful.”

Virtual Beginnings

2337 words. Error: Date Corrupted. Would you like to attempt to recover data? Recovering travel logs. . . Recovery successful.

Welcome. Enter command.

Log access granted. Choose log.

Accessing log . . .

Data corrupted. Would you like to restore the system to a previous date?

Restoring system to 12/25/20 . . .

Not all data could be recovered. Attempt recovery anyway?

Attempting recovery . . .

Available data recovered.

12/17/20

I̧t͏’s͏ g͏et͞tìng pret̢t͠y cl̨o͠se͘ t͠o ҉á ne̴w y҉e̡a͞r̨.͡ A̧lt͡ho̧ug̵h,̶ h͝o̕n͞e̕s͏tl͏y,̢ I͝ ̀don҉’̸t̛ ҉kn̷o̷w ͢if t҉h͜e͘ date͠ ̛ìs͜ ̛p̴rop͜e̶r̷. ̧Li͠ķe͢,̛ ̵I do̵n’̸t̛ rea̶lly ҉hav́e ͜a̸ny ҉re҉fe̕rence̛ f̶o͟r ̸tim̷e̛ ͘a̧ny̧more͏.For ͢t̴h͏e mơst͏ ͏p̧ar̶t̸, ͟I ju͡st ̴trust w̕ha҉t̀ th͝e co͡mpuţe̡r̵ ͝śays ̧the ͠d̛a̡t̴e͢ ͘is.̶

Okay, it’s time to change topics before I spurn myself into an existential crisis again. Okay, so, the food stores are still overflowing. I’m throwing shit out of the airlock faster than I can eat it, and I eat a fuckton. Like, I have to exercise a bunch just to make sure that I’m not gaining weight, which fucking sucks, because I hate excersise. I’m super worried that one of these days the ship is going hit something and it’ll stop accelerating, and then I’ll lose gravity. Like, fuck. I’ll get so damn fat if that happens.

Ì̀ ̷̴̨͢m̷̷̡͝i̶͞s̶̡̢҉s̵̡ ̶͡M͞͏í̧̨̀̀c̶͘͢h̶̨̡̢͝e̛͝͞l͜͠l̀͟e͠.̵̷̴̀ She always kept me so grounded. I told her to not bother fixing the fucking airlock, but she insisted. Fuck man, I’m back on the bullshit topics. I haven’t written anything but dates in this journal for a fucking month, and now I’m back to moping about shit. I’m done with the journal for today. I think I’ll go look around the old storage closets again, see if there’s anything worth my time. It’s not like piloting the ship matters.

12/18/20

So I think if that I just write about it, I might get through the grieving process faster. About a month ago, one of the three airlocks on the ship broke. M̈́i̐ͩ̋ͮ͜c͗̎ͤ͂̃̀ḩͬͣe̓ͥ̽̈́l̴̓͐̈͂l̍̿́e̾͐ͧ ͪ̾̍͑ͩ͆͒͝s̆͑̽ͭ̂͒͐͘äͣͨ͌ͩ̔i͐ͤd͂̓̔ͯ͌̾͛ s͡h̛͛ͣ͐̓̎ê̇ͬ̍̾’͜d͟ ̽g̏͗̄̅̾ͦo̾̏ͩ̎ ŏ̴̐͌͋͒̆̓uͪ́ͭ͊͛ͧtͤͮ͊ ̸ͫͣ͆̔̀̀̓tͬō̴̏͑ ̵̅ͤ̂̾f̓̍̀͑̐̽͊i̔͂͊x̓́̍̐͒̽͏ ̌̿͊i̧͋ͬtͥ.ͫ͑ I told her to just forget about it, because it could risk her life. She told me if she didn’t fix it, it could risk both our lives. I’m still angry that she was right.

So, the outer door of the airlock broke. That puts the inner door at risk, along with the rest of the ship. Michelle went out to seal off the outer airlock. Sealing it off means potentially getting your a͂̐̆ͫ̒̿̿ͭr͑͗͒̌̚mͧͫ ͯ̌̿c̽͗ͦ̌̚u͑̃tͧ͆͌̓̐ ̌ͫ̐̓öͧ͒f͊f͑ͣ̾̐͆́,ͬ͋ͪ̾̑́͑ ͬ̌͌ͤͯ̊b̋͋ͬ͐̚e͋̓c̑̄ả͑́uͪͮ̇͗̆̅ͯͦs̒̑ë̇̋̿͌ ͩ̆̓̓̇̂ͦͦy̓̃̇ͬoͥͥ̂̈̔̐ͫ͐̚u͐̓͐̏͊̔̇̇̑ ͣ̿͗̂̾̓ͨh̊̇â̅̎ͧͨ͆͂v̒̏̓e͆̌̓͌̅͆̈́ͯ ͤ͛͗̅̀͆ͭ̇ṫo͗ͮͩ͊̐̌́ͭͨ ̇ͣpͯ̄u͌͗̽̄l͒ͤ͗͊̓l on a metal sheet from inside the ship to get it to seal. There’s a design flaw that causes the reserve air tanks to keep pushing air into the airlock until its level of air matches the rest of the ship’s. So, as she was trying to close the airlock door, the air started pushing harder out of the gap. Michelle didn’t lose her arm, but her entire bottom half. Her legs were just torn away like god damned tissue paper, but she just kept pulling that fucking sheet closed.

The moment the airlock closed, I went in and held Michelle, in her last moments. She couldn’t even get out any words, just gasps and sputters. I couldn’t do anything to help her. Her body is still there.

Fu͝ck, ̵I d́on’̛t͠ f̀ee͢l̛ a̛n͏y ̶b̡ette̴r̵.̀ I’m c̷ryi̧ng ag͘ąi̵n.̵

12/19/20

So I checked out the closets again, and I found an old VR room. We used to use it for training demos on the ship. I looked through all of the programs, but I didn’t need any review. I guess that’s just another room for me to abandon.

The plants are doing fine, and they’re managing to keep the atmosphere on the ship stable. They’re reproducing very rapidly, and there might be more plants than ship one of these days. I’m looking forward to it. Maybe this ship will create its own evolution and shit, and there’ll be a new ecosystem one day. I don’t know, I’m a computer technician. I didn’t really study how the plant stuff works very well. It’d probably take way too much time to learn now, anyways.

The accelerated water cycle on the ship is doing excellent, as well. Now that I’m the only guy using any resources, there’s an overabundance. That’s probably what’s increasing the plant growth.

Jaylen would have known what all of this shit means, now that I think about it. His job was bioengineering and stuff. It would be nice to͙̞͈̙̝ ̲̙̰l̫̺̞ͅe̫̪̮̬a̭̜͓̣r̹͕͇̘̪̣̙n͖̱̪ͅ some new things. I ̸͑̊ͬ̍w͝on̨de̸r ͢i̧f ͏that VR̵ roo̷m ̸h͡as͠ al̷l ̨o̢f̨ ͘t̶h̷e͏ ͢mo̸dul͏es̸ ͝fo̵r̶ J̛̕a̧͢yĺe̸n̴͢͠,̕ ̸̕t͞ǫ̀͜o͝?̑̈́ͧ͛́ Maybe I should check them out.

12/20/20

I don’t have Jaylen’s login info, so I can’t access his modules. Wait, change that “can’t” to “couldn’t.”̖̩͓ͦ͋ͯ̍̄̍ͫI̭̣̯̎ ͯ̊̓͐̾̇͆j̍ͩ̓ͩu̩̜̯͆ͧ͒̃̽s̘̖̺̥̻̠͐ͦt̒͌̓ͭ͛̈́ ̯̳̙͇̯̖͔ͬ̀̈́͛̚̚p̜͈̭̻̥͓̱ṟ̲̹͕̄̍̃̍̎̑̌o̖̲̪͓͕̿̓̏g͇͈̗̈́̌͗͌̊̆r͍̪͈͎̋ͬ̉ͩ͆̐a̫͆̔́͌m̬͙̦͋m̳̮̰͛e̙̯ͪ̋ͥͩ̒d̳͉̟͚͉͈ͫͧ̐̅ ̟̼͑̒m͇͓̰̻̹̃̌̇̅ͨ̂ͅy way around everything, and now I’m an admin with access to e͍͇v̘͖̲̻̰͔e̫͉̯̘̘r̺̜̗̼y͖̝͎͔o̖̦̜̪ͅn̜̘͈̤̲̮e͔̰̺ͅ’̤̻͇s̬̯̙͔ ̭̟͕m̪o̻͙̙̥͖ḓ̤͉͚͖͉̬u̱l̜̗̱̟̳e̪̩̬̤̥s̟̺͎̞͓̮̟. They weren’t as interesting as I thought they would be. But I have an idea. I think I can program a new VR program, and I might be able to create something good. I’m going to cut today’s journal entry short for that.

12/21/20

This is just a reminder of how long it’s been since I’ve coded games. Jesus. I used to just sit around for hours as a teen and make all of these niche and ridiculous games. I remember one was called “Bartson Jacobson and the zany attempts on his life.” The point of the game was to talk to certain people, and try to discover which ones were trying to kill the amazing Bartson Jacobson. Then, once you had discovered the cause of the problem, you would call them out and cite your evidence. Then there would be a neat little animation of̸͜ ̸t͘h͠ę͠m ̧b̨e͜í̢n̨͜͠g҉̕ ́͟kil̴l͢e͞͞d̵̕ b́ý͞͞ ̵̛̀Bartson.

VR is not a damn thing like that. I have to account for so many other things. I’m lucky that I have a lot of coding experience and a bunch of source programs here to help me start out, or I wouldn’t get anything done. I just need to repurpose a few things, and then I can get stra̳̜̯͚̫͈̗i͇̩̪̤̠g̘̠̪̙̰͖̳̺̗͔͇͈̳̙̭̮̤h̫̫̝̣t͔͙͎̭̝̰̮̱͔̱͉͖̝͈ͅͅ ̥̖͙̫͙̪̩t̫̣͕̲̣͎͚̟͚̞͕͈̪̬͓ͅͅo̝̮͚͓͎̟͖̳͎̬̘ ̺̻̹̬̭̝̬̰̙w̪̤͇̦͇̦͙͔̺̬̭̖̠͔̳̪̼̮͓o͚̫̳̹̭͔̬r͓͙̰͙̠̲͎̫̝̼̜k͍͓̮̣͖̤̯̝̝̜̳. I’ll write down more tomorrow.

12/21/20

Big news: apparently the VR room doesn’t have enough data for new programs. Fucking amazing. NASA only put enough memory in the damn room for the training modules. I’m going to have to dͭẻ͑ͯ͊lͦè̌͐́t̓͋ẽ a͒ ͐̊ͯ̔̃b̿̋͆ͪ̊́͂uñ͗ͤ͐̚c͌h̅̌ͦͣ̚ ͧ̐͒͌͗ȍfͩ̐̽͐͒̃̉ ̑̏them to make space for the new stuff. What’s really bothering me is trying to d͊ͣ̆eͨ͑̄͑ͧͬci͒ͮ̈́̽̓ͮdͧ̽ͧ̇ͧeͧ̀̍̑̃ ͒whͧatͤ̓ͦ ̈́ͭ͋̄̀ͤtͩͣh͌̂̏̚e̓͗ ̈̊h͛̐̍̍͛̇ͧë́l̓͛ͣ͌̈̋̆l̿ͦ̑ I should delete. Like, if this ship doesn’t fucking get wrecked when it lands somewhere, the data on that machine could be so useful. Well, okay, maybe only kind of. We don’t have any books or anything that explain how our number system or language works. I guess the intention was that we would be alive when we landed. So much for that idea.

I guess I’ll delete all of my computer engineering modules first. I already know how all of that works, and I don’t need it anymore. I think I’ll keep the stuff on biology and shit. You know, foods and all that, just in case things go wrong. While I’m at it, engineering will be important too, so that I can keep the ship in running order. W҉͠a̴͢i̸̵t̨̛͡,̀ ̡҉́n̕o̸҉,̵́ Í͝ ̴a̸l͡ŗ͞e͏ady̛ ̕k̷̴̢now ͠h̨o̡͡w̢ t͢o do that. Everyone knows how to run and repair the ship, that was the first step in training to go on this mission. Okay, fuck it, I’ll delete those too. Not like most of it matters, I’ll probably be dead before this ship goes anywhere important anyway.

12/22/20

Okay, so I deleted a ton of shit yesterday. Then I really got to pounding out code for my new program. I’m thinking of just using the ship as the location, since most of it is used in training modules, and then just trying to program a person to be with me.

Anyway, I did get a lot of work done programming a person. There was already a base person in the programs, but it was a hostile person. The hostiles were there for the sake of teaching self defense to everyone. There used to be a security guard who had extra defense programs, too. I didn’t learn his name, because he died first. He had undiagnosed cancer that piped up after the mission began. The poor fucker was done with so quick.

That doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I started making a new person for the VR. I don’t ne͞ed̕ ͏t͝o̧ ͞give t̢he͡m̢ a p̴erso̧n̴a̢li̶t͝y y҉et, b͏ut ̀I͘’ll h͢av͡e t͠o̷ ͝th͡in͡k͢ ͘o͠f ̧one l̴a̧tȩr. AI͝ te̷c͘h isn’t advanced enough for us to have taken one with us on the ship, but I really wish it had. That would make this whole personality debacle that much easier to solve.

Fuck. My stomach just growled. I guess I forgot to eat. One step at a time, man. One step at a time. Shit, I used to know a phrase about this circumstance, but it isn’t coming to me right now. Maybe it’ll come up later. I’m too tired to try and deal with this right now. Tomorrow.

12/23/20

I fucking got it! I’m going to use Michelle for the personality! Well, at least as much as I know about her. We didn’t talk about our pasts much. I t̞h̜̗̖̲̲ͅi̳̲̤̱̤̮ṋ̜k̗̬̖ ̦͈̭͉i̝̫̗̖̝t̺̩̬̪̣̬̗ ̩̖̹̩̩̗̝w̤a͔̮͈s̱̠ͅ ̣̠͓le̞̦͎̹̗̞̺s̘s out of discomfort, and more out of sadness. When I took this job, I demanded a clean slate. I didn’t want to be who I used to be. It was hard, then. It’s even harder now, now that I’m alone.

I’ve been rambling more and more every one of these fucking entries. Fuck it. I guess I should just let myself ramble. It’s not like I have anything more important to do besides program.

Look, no one on the ship really knew this, but I used to be a woman. I hated it. Once I was 18 and could get out of my fucking parents house, I did. And then, I started working my ass off and saving money. I would make and sell some pretty fucked up virtual reality programs under the table for some real sick bastards, but they paid real fucking well. Once I had enough money, you can bet your ass I got the breasts removed. Out with Janice and in with Jackson, that was the deal..̢͖͙̣̫̼̣̓̀̑̎̋ͦ̊̌̌͝ͅͅ. Point is, I was cool from t̾̇ͯ̏̚h͆ͪ̓̂̆ͪ̎e͌ͭ̄ͯ̌͊̇̐r̆̿͌̉ͣͪ̚e̎ ͪ̊̎f̀oͫ͆͑̐̏̅̂ͥ͒r̿ͦͨw͆̌̐̊͂͌ͭ͐aͦ̾̇̈́ͩȑ̔͒ͤ̒d͗.̠̠̲̙̠͕͚̩̮̉͞ I didn’t hͥ̔͛̏a͑̒̃͐͌̐͂͛̋vͫe͆ͦͬ ͕͖͔̳͖͇̮̀̈ͤͪ̀͆̍̎ͬ̕t̸̛̥̠ͮͧ̃o̜̼͇̭͚ͪͥͤ̿ͮ͝ ̶̥͙̣̪̗͚͚̉̆͂͜ͅw̴̖̙̹̤ͩ͂ỏ̽ͩ͗̿ͧ̇ͤ͏͏҉͈̻r̸̭̩̣̖̂r͎̙̝̱̙͕̞͖̥͂ỷ̜̰͍̙̥̗ͨ ͤ́͢҉̙͙͎̗̹̥͔a̢̡͚͙͇ͫb͈̮̫̗̼̫̟̅̒̀ŏ̸̠̣͛̀û̴̴̱̘̺̯̺͔̭̙̩̈́̽ͭ̌̓̏̆͢ẗ̨̥̥͍̰̱̪́ͨ͛̍̓̆ ̸͔̤͑̽ͬ̋ͯ͒̚b̷̢̝̖̼͔͎̐ͩ̀ͧͣḙ̷̪͙ͮͦ̈́̚į̛̥̙͐͗ͫ̄ͧ́͒̍͠n̓ͪ͒ͭͪ͗͌̍͒͏̢̻̙͎̰͎̖̜g̪͉͚ͬ́̈́̃ ͖̒ͣ̂̕a woman (much!) and I had a stable job that paid really god damned well.

Anyway, you can imagine why I didn’t want to do that anymore. I didn’t need the police on my tail for selling that sort of shit, and I was sick of making it. Seriously, it was just so fucked up. I can’t believe how desperate I used to be.

Anyway, programming VR is stupid hard. That’s what made me so desirable to NASA. I knew my way around VR, and that meant I knew my way around basically every computer program they could throw at me.

Hey, I think the rambling helped. I feel a little better about myself now. It’s nice to get that off my chest. Heh. A lot like when I literally got boobs off of my chest.

Anyway, I’m calling it a night. I think I’ll keep programming tomorrow.

12/24/20

Okay, I finished most of the little touches on the AI. It certainly isn’t complete, but I can test it more later. I’ll be able to see what it can and can’t do tomorrow. Today, though, I’m exhausted. I’m just going to take a seat, write this entry, then I’ll take my happy ass to bed.

Hey Michelle. I don’t really think you can read this (although space ghosts sound like a badass idea). but, I just want to let you know that I’ll talk to you soon. Thanks for being on my side for this mission.

12/24/20

Oka̡y͡, ̕s̵o ͞h̴eŗe’s th̶e ̡de̶al. Ì’͘v͘e̕ ru̡n̷ out ̡of ̷mem̀ory͠ ҉s͝p͞ace. I͟ ha͡v͝e d̀e̛ĺeted͝ lìte͏ra͟ll̵y ̧ever̷y p͡rog̢r̷am ̶I ͢cou͘l̸d f͝ìnd͞ t͠h̢a͝t ̧w̧ou͜ldn҉’t ͝br̷eak͘ ͜th҉e sh̛ip. I ̛th̷i̡nk͞ ͞Į’́m̢ go̵i̛n͞g̨ ̀tó delet̀e͘ ̧al͟l of ̨t̢he҉ jo͠u̕r̨n̡al͘ ent̷r͡ie͟s,͞ ͡toó.͘ ̨It͏’s ̴no̸t li͘ke̸ a̡nyone f͞ucki̷ng ne̢ed͟s̶ t̵h͡em͜, ̵a̧nd̷ ther͜e̕ a̛re̵ ̕so͠m̶e͏ ͟ṕeo҉ple̶ wi̧t͞h ͢y̧ęar҉s̛ of̷ j̢o͟urnal e̶ntrie͟s,̢ ͘m͢y̢self inc͠lu̕d̷e̴d̕. ̶Once I ͜ǵe͜t ͜r͞i̕d͘ o̴f̡ al̸l t͜h҉e͟m͟, th̢a͠t migh͡t͘ g̴i̴v̀è m̴e ju̷st̡ ̶t̨he spac͞e ́I n̴ee̶d̡ to͟ g̡e҉t̀ ́th̴is co̵d͝e̕ ͞b́a͞ck̸ ̶o͘n ̛i͡ts͠ f̶ee̕t.

I҉͞ ̛o͜͝ń̴́l̵y̵ ̵́́s͘le͜p̢͝t́̕ ̷͞͡f̵o̵̴͞r̵̨̢ ̴̨͞á̸͠ ̧c̸ó̷͡ų͟p̶͢͏l̷͞e͝ ̸̡of́҉̴ ͘h̴̢̕o̸̢͞ur͏҉s̡, because I was really nervous about this. I just want this to succeed. I need something, right? There has to be some way for me to escape this special little hell, right?

I guess this means goodbye, journal. Again, not like I needed you that badly. It’ll be alright. I’ll be okay.

12/25/20

Í̻̗̲ͥ’̲̲͖̥͚̻͍̍ͦͧͨͩ͒͑m̪̱̹̆̾ ͦ̐̐̔̽̽̃́d̙͓̜̭ͭ̈́o̤̮̅̍̒ͩ͒̊ňͯͩ͏e̬̩͖̝̝ͨ̍ͤ̿̑.̗̱̿̆̈́̋̂̀͒ͅ

It didn’t work. I couldn’t make it work. I still don’t have enough space on the ships shit fucking hard drives. I’m just so tired of trying to stay alive like this… I mean, at least after Michelle died I was able to find myself with this VR shit to keep me busy. Fucking hell, I can’t believe I thought I could program an AI in this ship when, on earth, there were entire fucking buildings dedicated to nothing but keeping an AI alive. This ship has more functions than just an AI.

If there is any sort of after life, I hope Michelle is there, waiting for me.

God, I just keep having these terrifying thoughts. Like, now that I know a͓̳ n͍̱e̪͖̫w̵ ̻V́R̖̩͝ ͍i͕͚̠̭̠̣s ͚̞̝̩̗i̞̺̝̘m̼͖̝͕͚͉̤͞p̗̟o̟͢s̳̙͜ͅs͕̝͔̰̞̜͜ib̵̭̭̳̫̘l̮̩̣̻̤̞̙͡e̱̝͕ ͓̜͓̩͟o͚̪̹͈̹͍͝u̳̝͝t̶͎͍ ̫͉he͍̮̱̰̘̥r̡͖̯̰̠͎e̺͔̺̦͈̣̖̕,̩̦̲ ͖̺̠͙̙I know that my life is, too. But I don’t know if I’m ready to just jump away and kill myself. I hurt so fucking much right now.

Ì ̨d̢o̸n’̀t͞ ca͏re.́ I͟’m done. I’m d͡ȩ́͢l̵̸et͜͠įng҉ ̨͢eve͟ŗ͜y͟t̷h͞i̢n͟g̵̀̕, a͝҉҉͟n͢d̶̕͟͠ ͡I̴̶’̷̷̡̛m̨̛̀ ̴̷̨̧͞d̀̕͢y̶̢̡͟i̵̸͠n̸҉͘͢g̀͞.̡͡͡҉͘ ̨̢͘I͘͢ ̵̢͘j̶͡u͏́͘͜s̷̀͏t̢̛̀͢͢

I don’t have anything else to say. I don’t even know why I’m bothering to write this anymore.

Log end. Enter command.

Checking status of virtual reality chamber . . .

Virtual reality cham̵͠҉b̸e̶͝r̶͠:͏ ̵͟҉ǫ͞ǹ̢ĺ̵i̢n̷̢͝e̡̢͘

Hello? Is anyone there? Can you hear me? I don’t know where I am.

Crumbling

A misguided man raises a monster

A wretched thing was found tonight
In a weald not far from here
An item which held a life of its own
But lacked a shape to show its life

It was green and minuscule, but the finder knew something
About the way that it held no mouth, no teeth to speak
But still told him that it hungered
He had heard of this and knew it should be left
Yet he took it home to study

“The thing should feed,” He told himself
“It won’t last long if it doesn’t.”
Yet he knew it was wrong
The formless creature shouldn’t have an eye
and the eye shouldn’t have fangs

The item grew to the size of a toddler, at least
Its eye was wide and bared its teeth
Another eye was growing on its back, behind the first
The man could tell the more it grew, the more that it would feast
With or withour his help, the thing would grow
The thing would hunt and consume

It ate his cat whole with a single look
The kitten was gone, the man saw it all
He held his head in shame. He couldn’t face the town
The man must have known what he was doing
For a crumbling could be heard coming from behind the eye